Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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