Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
