She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Randomize
