Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is Oprah even human
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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