I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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