After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
