I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
