do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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