we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
