So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
