I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
