so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
