You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
