the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
