Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
