I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
