Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
