You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
