you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
