she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
