I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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