My underwear smells like fireworks.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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