So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
