I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he's gonorrhea incarnate
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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