You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
