If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i think i just naturally attract stoners
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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