she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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