Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
