Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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