Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
