How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Im part way to drunk.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
