Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry about my life...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My bed smells like the plague
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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