This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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