I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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