I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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