I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
