apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
is that a dick in a sweater?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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