life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
