i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
