I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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