I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
