she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
