hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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