I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
