Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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