The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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