i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
