I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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