She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
