the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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