Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
