i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
honey bunches of taint.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm too high and old for this...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
