You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
