Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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