I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
