Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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