So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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