when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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