i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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