i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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