My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
