So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
